There Is No Sex In Heaven

“There Is No Sex In Heaven”, pronounces MTV in a new safe sex campaign. Shall I count the ways that these adverts anger me? Okay, let’s go.

First of all, cast your eye over the vile way that they have portrayed the male member. I wouldn’t call myself a prude, but these flacid sad earthworm characters are almost enough to make me not want to go near a man’s genitals ever again. I thought the point of this ad was to make people want to use a condom, not take up abstinence? So yeah, from an aesthetic point of view, it really creeps me out.

Secondly, we have the implication that STIs and STDs will kill you. Well I’m sorry MTV, but that’s just not that true these days! We don’t live in the middle ages when syphilis could rot you away, and even AIDS doesn’t have to be a life sentence anymore. I mean, could you be anymore dramatic?! Scientifically, they’re totally exaggerating things and speeding up the chain of events that could lead to someone dying from having unprotected sex.

And finally, onto the philosophical part. I don’t follow religion, nor do I believe in the afterlife, but if I did, well…if there was no sex in heaven, it wouldn’t give me much of an incentive to be good! Why wouldn’t there be sex in heaven? Sex is great, and in heaven everything is supposed to be perfect. If there is such a place as heaven, I’d expect for it to be the kind of place where everybody is objectively beautiful, you can eat pizza all day without getting fat, and have perfect amazing non-awkward sex with anybody that you like…

Who the hell are MTV to say what’s not allowed in heaven, anyway? I always suspected that MTV probably believed that they ruled the world, but now they’ve obviously got it into their heads that they control the afterlife, too.

If I have to watch constant repeats of Geordie Shore in heaven, I’d rather be in hell.

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